A Portrait of a 1990s Husband

This light hearted portrait of my husband was written in 1990s when he had 'accidentally' bought a whole set of golf clubs on his way home from work!

Eric Jones 1965 -2003

Respite care needed urgently

This wayward chap is still fairly young, but his wilful and demanding nature places an impossible strain on his carers. He is friendly and outgoing, he enjoys meeting new people, and on first meeting his vices and limitations may not be obvious. He is fascinated by bathrooms and in particular by showers. If he is not closely supervised he will spend hours locked in the bathroom creating various splashing and wallowing noises. He loves toiletries of all kinds and enjoy lining up bottles and sprays on the shelf - it is not uncommon to find four or five open containers of the same item. His fascination does not extend to cleaning anything in the bathroom and when he eventually vacates the room a scene of devastation becomes visible as the steam and chemical fog slowly disperses. Breathing apparatus should be used in the bathroom for at least one hour afterwards.

He also has an obsession with clothes and even the strictest carers will struggle to manage this aspect of his behaviour. His belongings already fill three wardrobes and overflow in to the bedroom. At last count, his shirts numbered more than eighty but he still buys more! And even a centipede would not require as many pairs of trousers as this chap. He often tries on a number of outfits and leaves the evidence scattered all over the room - to be picked up by the good fairy perhaps! In his teenage years, he developed an obsessive relationship with the Next store, this was destructive and financially draining attachment. Sadly, increasing age has taken its toll and he is now less discriminating in his shopping habits, these days he likes to shop at Marks and Spencer and at Debenhams. There is little hope of improvement, usually when a condition has degenerated to this stage there is no cure. Carers are warned to prevent the purchase of corduroy or thermal undergarments at all costs!

He is known as "half a job Jones" with good reason. He comes from a remote and backwards region called Cornwall and has resisted all attempts to adjust to life in England. In particular he has difficulty with the concept of urgency or time management. To get him to attempt the washing up takes hours of persuasion and always leads to harsh words and raised voiced. When he finally gets to the sink he considers he has completed the task when he has put it in a bowl of soapy water. The good fairy then comes upon the unwashed pans and crockery in a soup of congealed, greasy cold water! No wonder there is a need for respite care.

He is deeply attached to a number of security objects, the most important being his mobile telephone and the television remote control. It is a pathetic sight to see him sprawled across the sofa with the phone in one hand and the remote control the other. He cannot sit in a chair, he has to sprawl so that he can conveniently fall asleep rather than converse with his family. He retains control of the TV even when asleep and his long suffering carers cannot recall ever watching a complete programme without a 'quick flash'.

Despite his age, he still has not understood the relationship between the cash point machine and the bank balance! Strict discipline must be enforced in this area. Be warned, he collects credit cards in the way other people collect stamps.

I will only make passing reference to the more unpleasant sounds and odours you must expect, and of course there are numerous anger management issues too. It is only fair to point out that his role model is Victor Meldrew - a half hour episode may be amusing but how would you feel about spending the rest of your life with him?

Are you up to the challenge?!